rambling anger, issues, disclosure

[low_delta]

Once, I thought something an LJ friend had said to another could have been construed as rude. I didn't know if it really was rude, but I decided that people make mistakes, and I'd want a friend to point it out if I made a mistake, so I sent her an e-mail. I said something to the effect of, "I have no idea if what I saw was the whole story, but I thought I'd warn you just in case..."

I was unprepared for the level of anger that she replied with. Holy shit, was she mad. I can't even describe it. All I could do was offer her a half-assed apology and try to explain that I didn't assume anything and was just making sure... blahblahblah.

A week or so later (yeah, I'm that way), I worked out some things in my head, and decided to send her another message. I wrote something out, then I called up my original message, just to verify what I had said. I was horrified to find that she was right. My message did not include the words to indicate that I was pointing her *possible* error out, *just in case*. The tone of the message was definitely, "hey, that was rude." My heart just sank.

So I sent her a more hearfelt apology and explanation, and didn't hear back from her.


Sometimes I wonder how I make it through life. How often do I say or do things that are totally wrong, but nobody says anything? I'm starting to appreciate that. >:-( I mean, if I don't learn of my mistakes how can I correct them or avoid making them again? But there comes a point at which I don't want to deal with my fuck-ups, and I don't feel that learning about them would help. But if this is what it takes to get me to that point, I imagine that many other people have felt that way all along. Which would explain why they don't want to point out *my* failures.

I've always had a problem with that Golden Rule (even though I didn't realize it). What I want others to do for me, is not necessarily what they want done for them. So they end up angry at me, while I think I'm the good guy. And I can't figure out what just happened. And I can't figure out why I'm such a nice guy, yet people don't like me.

Comments

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[whorlpool.livejournal.com]

It's probably best to assume that written messages will be misunderstood. The more emotional they feel, the more likely that emotion will come through in an unpredictable way. Which is probably why the internet is so full of drama. Face to face conversations allow so much more precision.

Re: ..

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. All the more reason to have re-read my message, and discover such a blatant mistake.

But yeah, even if I had said what I meant, it probably whouldn't have been taken well.

Re:

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

And double check what you've written.

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

I'd have to agree with whorlpool. Even if you do phrase things specifically, carefully, it isn't always read correctly. And I'm not talking about perceptions, I'm talking about people just not reading what you've written. Or skimming. Or skipping a line entirely. It happens. I know I've gotten a few comments that made no sense whatsoever. If I read it over and over, sometimes I'm able to figure out what they think they read, and why they commented the way they did. Other times, I just plain don't know what they are thinking. Those are some of the occasions where I respond with a smiley and hope it was the right thing to do ...

Re:

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is, I probably shouldn't bother anyway, since they're probably going to misunderstand? I think that's right, in this case at least, since it was a very touchy situation to begin with.

I've come to realize that people want to think they're fine, and don't want anyone watching out for them.

[sunshine-two.livejournal.com]

Lots of people have problems communicating from time to time. I've looked back at some things I've said and thought "Woah...lol". You're human. It happens.

Re:

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. It's just that it was such a bad mistake.

I have this problem with being proud of myself for some reason, and then finding out that not only am I not like that, but I'm the opposite of it. That's the worst feeling.

[ravenfeather.livejournal.com]

A universal issue for everyone .. that is what this is, and yeah, I agree with all the rest, it is the fact that there is so much body language, tone, inflection, etc. missing from print added to the sometimes heartfelt but less than accurate use of words that ADDS TO the confusion on the other end. Plus.. you know, the MOOD you are in when you read someone else's words has a lot to do with what you "see" in front of you. I know I misread lots of things the first or second go round.

I mean, if I don't learn of my mistakes how can I correct them or avoid making them again? You know, I have this as an issue as well, but I have had to give up on people telling me what I want them too. Only some of my best friends will ever know me well enough or be comfortable enough to do this. I DO know some people who make incorrect assumptions and try to correct me on what was never there.. which leads to a worse situation.. and that sounds like what happened to you. All we can do is go on. I hope the person in question is at least still around, but if not.. I look at it as a relationship that didn't fit, or was not meant to be at this time.

I am rambling as well.. sorry about that. Chalk it up to brain dead at five am please.

[shoo.livejournal.com]

A true friend allows for miscommunications....we are all human and it is bound to happen.
I am much better in person when communicating my point....The written form seriously lacks the physical expression.

Re:

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

That's absolutely true. I knew she and I weren't real friends (just LJ acquaintances) but that confirmed it. I knew then that there was no longer any reason for me to associate with her, even if she had accepted my apology.

[banana.livejournal.com]

> ...people don't like me.
Don't they? I'm surprised. You've always seemed to get on well with people.

> ...I'm such a nice guy...
See? People do like you. ;~)

Seriously, if it was me on the receiving end, I'd try to clarify what you were saying before assuming you were being rude because (unless I'm missing something) you're just not like that.

Re:

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

You've always seemed to get on well with people

Generally, yeah.

if it was me on the receiving end, I'd try to clarify what you were saying before assuming you were being rude...

That makes sense, doesn't it? I guess that's why I was so surprised by her anger. I would have expected an angry questioning, at the very worst.

opinion ahead:

[ravengirl.livejournal.com]

cool. no, really. this post tells me so much more about you
than i already think i know~

you're sweet and thoughtful and most of us realize this~
your message comes across wrong sometimes? well, yeah,
we all do that, but i agree with what you're finding out
about that Golden Rule- things left unsaid and for others
to deal with, to figure out,
may be the better way to go for the mostpart~
and sweetie, you don't need to hear about things people
don't appreciate about your personality-
you need to be yourself in all your rights and wrongs
and figure out for yourself what you want to change~
*love*

[rivendweller.livejournal.com]

Very good post. My goodness, it really makes me think. You've always seemed very nice to me, and your intentions are good. But I understand your point.

Me? I totally prefer to communicate in writing. I'm much better at it than speaking in person. For example, if someone says something mean to me, I become flustered, turn beet red, mumble something incoherent and shuffle off. Then I think later, "Dang! I should have said 'this,' or 'that.'" I'm lousy at oral debates because they are confrontational in nature.

I have a very soft voice, and I've been told it is soothing and pleasant (some time I might do one of those audio posts like ravengirl). So I might have an advantage when speaking on the phone with people. Also, I've always done well at public speaking, especially when I've prepared my remarks in advance.

I've always thought I could communicate better in writing, but maybe not.... Like I said, you've sure made me think!