apologies

[low_delta]

I have some strong opinions about apologies.

To me, the most important thing is that the person apologizing means it, and they understand what they did wrong. This means that just saying "I'm sorry" isn't necessarily going to cut it. It might - it depends on this situation. It also means that they don't necessarily have to say the words "I'm sorry." The important thing is that I know they feel bad about it.

An apology that includes the word "if" is no apology. If you're unsure if someone was offended, you need to find out before you make your apology. Usually, the word "if" is used in place of the word "that." "I'm sorry if you were offended, but..." It's quite obvious that they're not apologizing to you, but expressing their disappointment in your attitude.

An apology that includes the word "but" is probably no apology. But sometimes an apology may sound like it includes a "but," when it really doesn't. I often explain my actions when I say I'm sorry. I do this because I want the person to know I'm not a complete ass. For example, when I had a thought process that included some faulty basis. Like, "I'm sorry, but so-and-so told me you liked that." I was going on the best information I had. Yes, the "but" diminishes the apology, but it also diminishes the severity of the offense (at least it would to me).

There are two sides to every affront. One needs to be sorry, and the other needs to forgive. These are both mostly internal.

Comments

[blonnie.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you've said... 100000%. :)

I am not one to hold grudges. Well, unless something continually happens to me over and over again by the same person. Fortunately, I have not run into an actually apologizing person who continues to do the same thing over and over again (and then repeatedly apologizes for the same action). That being said, I -have- run into people who WONT apologize and continue to do the same thing over and over again ;) Which, is evidence enough to me that those people -don't- feel any remorse for things they've done. That's the part that makes my heart ache the most.

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

I think there are some people who start out apologizing for something they do over and over, but after a while, they realize that they're not actually sorry for it.

I've had this post in my head for quite a while. Just never got around to writing it. Your post pushed it out. :-)

[rivendweller.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I take apologies very seriously, too. When I apologize, I mean it. I don't apologize lightly, but when I do, I mean it. When someone apologizes to me, I take it for what I *hope* it is.

Some people are never wrong, in their own minds. I feel sorry for them. Their lives must be miserable. I know I mess up sometimes.

Ray and I were talking in the car the other day about clients we have to jettison. Remember the one who would not forgive my honest mistake? She's a goner. I'll bet she will be surprised when she does not receive a tax organizer in the mail this year. When she calls about it, Ray plans to inform her that we are "declining the engagement." If she pushes the issue, he will simply tell her that she does not meet our standards for a good client; that she was not reasonable when we made an honest mistake. I must have apologized twenty times. I should have only done it once.

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

I don't think they're miserable, exactly. But they never realize how much easier their lives would be if they could understand forgiveness.

[mellary4.livejournal.com]

I agree. You wrote,"An apology that includes the word "if" is no apology. If you're unsure if someone was offended, you need to find out before you make your apology. Usually, the word "if" is used in place of the word "that." "I'm sorry if you were offended, but..." It's quite obvious that they're not apologizing to you, but expressing their disappointment in your attitude." I would add that it could either be they were disappointed in your attitude or that they are sorry you feel offended but don't believe you should be as in "I'm sorry you feel that way."

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Their attitude is, "I'm sorry to hear that you were offended, but you're wrong."

[shoo.livejournal.com]

VERY good post! ta for that.

apologies...

[msfledermaus.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry if there needs to be more tiki...I can fix that, I can bring you so much tiki! So! Much! Tiki!

Actually, I really like this post a lot. Often "Sorry" can be such a weak apology for something really horrible someone's done...I think personally it's all about context.

[vocalista001.livejournal.com]

Good descriptions.

[mummm.livejournal.com]

That's such a wise post Kevin! Good!