relaationships gone bad. people gone bad.

[low_delta]

My friend’s divorce was final early last fall. His girlfriend and her daughter moved in to his house with him and his son, last weekend. When his ex-wife found out about this the week before, she hit the roof. She was - and still is - extremely angry. "How could you do this to me!" she yelled. The other day she dropped their son off, and she started in again. She was ranting and raving. She threatened to make him sell his house (she was part owner until the divorce was final and he was able to buy her out). She was yelling at him - in front of their nearly four year old son. How can someone do that? How can someone get that way? Life is too short to be that angry.

When the boy comes back from a few days at his mother’s house, he doesn’t like the girlfriend for a day or so until he remembers that they are friends. I can only imagine what his mom says about her. He has told his dad that his mother doesn’t want to hear about the girlfriend. That, of course, is very hard for a child. He wants to talk about the fun stuff he’s done, and I imagine his mother asks "what did you do yesterday?" I guess she won’t do that anymore. I can only imagine how that will be for him.

I tell my friend that he needs to take full custody, but he won’t. Not only does he feel that it isn’t fair to her to take her son away, but he won’t do anything to cause further conflict. I’m like, "dammit, it’s unhealthy for him to be in that environment! You know she doesn’t treat him like she should. You tell me that she doesn’t want to be bothered with him!" I know he would get custody. If he tried. If he kept track of all the crap she’s pulled. Like the time she hit him in front of the boy. Stuff like that.

Comments

Consider this....

[cynnerth.livejournal.com]

It's possible that there are more issues here than you're aware of. It's possible that his girlfriend would rather not be a fulltime stepmom, it's possible that the dad looks forward (guiltily or not) to breaks from his son's boundless energy. I agree with you about the kid being better off away from his mom, but how do you explain to the child that he won't ever go stay at his mom's again? That could have more of an adverse affect on him as he grows up, than the confusion he feels for a day or two when switching households.

Re: Consider this....

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Those first two things you mentioned are actually true, but a day or two of confusion is a problem when he switches homes every three days. I think a kid should have *one* home. And he should be free to choose it, and be free to visit his other parent whenever he wants. You're right you can't say, "you can't see your mother again." He should stay the night there sometimes. But this kid needs to live with a parent who will treat him right - with attention, kindness and patience.

Re: Consider this....

[cynnerth.livejournal.com]

In a perfect world, every kid should have one home. This isn't a perfect world. He switches homes every 3 days?? That's waaaay too often, especially for someone as young as 4. There isn't any time to settle in and develop a comforting routine.

Speaking of young, 4 is also too young to have the freedom to choose where he lives, and when to visit the other parent. Small children need structure and consistency, and it needs to be provided for them. Even teenagers need boundaries set for them, even though they complain, it works out best. Later on in life, the ones who didn't have the structure and had too much freedom complain about it.

Re: Consider this....

[low-delta.livejournal.com]

Yeah, probably eight or ten is when the child should be allowed to start making some decisions. Depends on the child, of course.