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Aug. 15th, 2002
in front of the person
Aug. 15th, 2002 11:03 pmAt the party last weekend, a friend did something that bothers me.
She told us how she made a great rummage sale find. An unopened game (Mille Bornes) for a dollar. Unfortunately the game never made it home. Her son knocked it out of the mini-van a couple of times, so he must have done it again, and she didn't catch it that last time. She told the story with a frustrated smile. "And god dammit, if it wasn't gone!"
She told us all this with her son present. She wasn't really angry with him, as far as I could tell. It just happened, and she was mad about the game being gone - but it was made clear that the boy had kicked the game onto the ground before they drove off.
I found it interesting that she seemed to be able to dissociate her anger from one of the causes - her son. There were many cumulative causes that led to the game's disappearance. The boy's action was only the first. She had seen him do it twice already, and neither checked that last time, nor did anything to keep him from doing so. She also chose not drive back to the parking lot to look for it. Most people would find it easy to blame the kid, but she never once let on that she was angry with him. She really did seem only to be unhappy with missing the game.
So here's what bothers me. If she really did have her anger dissociated from the causes, she's a rare individual. I mean, I have trouble convincing people that I'm not mad at them for things that were partly their fault. If adults can't handle this concept, how must her five year old son feel about it? She said several times, that he knocked it out of the car. I imagine he feels she's blaming him for it. While she told the story, he sat there with little emotion showing, listening.
Maybe since she told it so matter-of-factly, he'll just take it like she meant it. Children can do that.
She told us how she made a great rummage sale find. An unopened game (Mille Bornes) for a dollar. Unfortunately the game never made it home. Her son knocked it out of the mini-van a couple of times, so he must have done it again, and she didn't catch it that last time. She told the story with a frustrated smile. "And god dammit, if it wasn't gone!"
She told us all this with her son present. She wasn't really angry with him, as far as I could tell. It just happened, and she was mad about the game being gone - but it was made clear that the boy had kicked the game onto the ground before they drove off.
I found it interesting that she seemed to be able to dissociate her anger from one of the causes - her son. There were many cumulative causes that led to the game's disappearance. The boy's action was only the first. She had seen him do it twice already, and neither checked that last time, nor did anything to keep him from doing so. She also chose not drive back to the parking lot to look for it. Most people would find it easy to blame the kid, but she never once let on that she was angry with him. She really did seem only to be unhappy with missing the game.
So here's what bothers me. If she really did have her anger dissociated from the causes, she's a rare individual. I mean, I have trouble convincing people that I'm not mad at them for things that were partly their fault. If adults can't handle this concept, how must her five year old son feel about it? She said several times, that he knocked it out of the car. I imagine he feels she's blaming him for it. While she told the story, he sat there with little emotion showing, listening.
Maybe since she told it so matter-of-factly, he'll just take it like she meant it. Children can do that.