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At the party last weekend, a friend did something that bothers me.
She told us how she made a great rummage sale find. An unopened game (Mille Bornes) for a dollar. Unfortunately the game never made it home. Her son knocked it out of the mini-van a couple of times, so he must have done it again, and she didn't catch it that last time. She told the story with a frustrated smile. "And god dammit, if it wasn't gone!"
She told us all this with her son present. She wasn't really angry with him, as far as I could tell. It just happened, and she was mad about the game being gone - but it was made clear that the boy had kicked the game onto the ground before they drove off.
I found it interesting that she seemed to be able to dissociate her anger from one of the causes - her son. There were many cumulative causes that led to the game's disappearance. The boy's action was only the first. She had seen him do it twice already, and neither checked that last time, nor did anything to keep him from doing so. She also chose not drive back to the parking lot to look for it. Most people would find it easy to blame the kid, but she never once let on that she was angry with him. She really did seem only to be unhappy with missing the game.
So here's what bothers me. If she really did have her anger dissociated from the causes, she's a rare individual. I mean, I have trouble convincing people that I'm not mad at them for things that were partly their fault. If adults can't handle this concept, how must her five year old son feel about it? She said several times, that he knocked it out of the car. I imagine he feels she's blaming him for it. While she told the story, he sat there with little emotion showing, listening.
Maybe since she told it so matter-of-factly, he'll just take it like she meant it. Children can do that.
She told us how she made a great rummage sale find. An unopened game (Mille Bornes) for a dollar. Unfortunately the game never made it home. Her son knocked it out of the mini-van a couple of times, so he must have done it again, and she didn't catch it that last time. She told the story with a frustrated smile. "And god dammit, if it wasn't gone!"
She told us all this with her son present. She wasn't really angry with him, as far as I could tell. It just happened, and she was mad about the game being gone - but it was made clear that the boy had kicked the game onto the ground before they drove off.
I found it interesting that she seemed to be able to dissociate her anger from one of the causes - her son. There were many cumulative causes that led to the game's disappearance. The boy's action was only the first. She had seen him do it twice already, and neither checked that last time, nor did anything to keep him from doing so. She also chose not drive back to the parking lot to look for it. Most people would find it easy to blame the kid, but she never once let on that she was angry with him. She really did seem only to be unhappy with missing the game.
So here's what bothers me. If she really did have her anger dissociated from the causes, she's a rare individual. I mean, I have trouble convincing people that I'm not mad at them for things that were partly their fault. If adults can't handle this concept, how must her five year old son feel about it? She said several times, that he knocked it out of the car. I imagine he feels she's blaming him for it. While she told the story, he sat there with little emotion showing, listening.
Maybe since she told it so matter-of-factly, he'll just take it like she meant it. Children can do that.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:22 pm (UTC)From:It appears to me also this mother may be on some sort of emotion inhibitor - (i.e. anti-depressants) or she is just clueless and lacking in proper parenting skills.
It seemed a little like an independent film - her telling this story as the child sat emotionless listening...
I think you are correct in feeling a little uncomfortable with this scenario.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:23 pm (UTC)From:What's up with the kid tossing it out? What did she say to him when she found out about it? If she never gets angry (or whatever it is that parents do these days) how is he ever going to learn what's acceptable behaviour? Was she looking for somebody else to say something? *scratches head*
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:29 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:34 pm (UTC)From:Sounds like he was 'crusing for a brusin' to me.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:35 pm (UTC)From:She told the story as she was finishing up working the grill, and going to get a chair on the deck. There were a bunch of people around, and the boy was sitting somewhere near where she ended up. He was the only kid, so he had been sitting like that for a while.
Her kids are a handful, and though I like to blame parents for the way their kids turn out, It's really not my place to say she's done wrong.
You hit on an interesting point, that she blames herself more than she blames him.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:40 pm (UTC)From:I remember visiting some friends of mine who were first time parents, and their 3 year old decided to start tossing books and nick nacks off of a set of shelves onto the floor. I was about to jump in, and tell him stop doing that when my friend said "Look, he's amusing himself". It wasn't until after that I learned she had been reading a bunch of child psychology books to an extreme. After their second child came along, she gave up the books and gave her son time outs, firm discussions, and when it warranted a *smack on the behind.
*The child has since grown up, and not developed any abusive tendancies based on the smacks to the behind ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:42 pm (UTC)From:Aren't you glad you didn't have kids...you don't have to answer that ;)
no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:52 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2002-08-15 09:56 pm (UTC)From:Re:
Date: 2002-08-15 09:57 pm (UTC)From:i think it's nice that you are bothered by this
Date: 2002-08-16 11:33 am (UTC)From:it's interesting to consider
the motives of all involved
and the impact of the outcome on each~
trouble
Date: 2002-08-16 01:42 pm (UTC)From:She may or may not have felt the anger but she certainly demonstrated it in a passive aggressive way. (Does something hostile while pretending not to.) Telling the story in front of the kid.....saying she was just disappointed at not having the game when she wouldn't be normal not to be..not intervening as a parent would.
My guess is that they ought to find out what the family dynamics are, and how to change them, before the kid is old enough that he wrecks a car, or starts a fire, or injures someone to get the same reaction he gets now from throwing a game out of the car. And now Ms M Freud will retire and go off to analyze someone else. :^)